anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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