First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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