I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
