I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
