I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
