There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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