I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
too bad you live with your parents still
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
