i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
