It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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