I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
