She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
