don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
