You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
