How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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