I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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