god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
