I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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