i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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