I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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