the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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