I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
