My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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