He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
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Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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