Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
