I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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