even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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