I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
