My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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