Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
