remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
