so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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