Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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