You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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