highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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