he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
