I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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