party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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