So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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