oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
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I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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