you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
