1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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