1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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