This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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