she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Randomize
