my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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