did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
