So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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