He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
