Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
