new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
