Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Randomize
