Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
