Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
