No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
