She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
