My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They have beer where we have blood.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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